Live dangerously, safely

Bondage, dominance, discipline, sadism and masochism feel increasingly archaic or out of place in our enlightened postmodern times. And yet, it’s still so much fun! The act of surrendering personal power to experience new pleasures or assuming power over a partner to feel a primal and ephemeral empowerment is not a new phenomenon, and it has proven adaptable enough to stick around for a long time to come. BDSM and the associated kinks that spring forth from its relatively simple ideas of contrived interpersonal power dynamics have lots to teach us about articulating our bodily autonomy.

In the wake of the revolutionary work done through the #MeToo movement, the idea of clear, verbal and uncoerced consent is high on everyone’s priorities when beginning new sexual relationships. We owe a lot of the vocabulary we use to analyze this communication to kinksters. Various kink communities and private enthusiasts have long known that establishing boundaries and earning trust are critical to positive experiences in the dark arts of deviance.

Safe Words and Verbal Consent

The safe word is held sacred in all kink communities. The idea is that simple everyday english words are easier to blurt out in moments of heightened passion, where hemming and hawing around articulating vague senses of discomfort is harder to express in those contexts. The safe word should be decided upon before the encounter becomes sexual or anyone becomes bound, gagged, or undressed.

Keep it simple, and make it personal; “Purple!”, “Honda!” “Apple!” “Virgo!” Especially when first discovering your own boundaries within a kink that interests you, use it as often as necessary to make sure the partners you experiment with will respect it every single time.

Because the words are also taken completely out of their contexts, they do not negate the assumed power dynamics at play in a BDSM relationship or experience. For example, when one finds oneself immobilized as the submissive partner, there is a reliance on the dominant partner to keep them stable and safe from any accidental harm and reposition one as needed. Rather than interrupt the dramatic enactment of the power dynamics at play with something like “Um hey haha wait a minute uh actually maybe not like that but like this or like uh I don’t know I just uh –” a safe word cuts right to the intention – STOP – without having to scramble for the right words when you are trying to lose yourself in the submissive role.

“Ravish” kink and Consent

For another example, if you find yourself dominating someone who has expressed desires to simulate the feeling of being taken against their will, then “stop” or “no” are no longer the words you need to hear to step back from an act. Kinks run the gamut of all kinds of accessorized and costumed roleplay often with the aid of favourite apparatuses and pet names. A common kink that requires little more than prior consent to continue are ravishment fantasies. Within this kink, protests like “no please stop, I’m begging you” are often part of the roleplay. This is why incorporating safe words, and even fail safes for yourself like having a friend check in on you in person or over the phone, are important for keeping ourselves sexually stimulated safely as we explore our new interests awakenings.

Three-way play

Whether you’re in a polyamorous or open relationship, or you and committed partner are finding yourselves unicorn hunting, some more subtle power dynamics emerge. When inviting new partners to join you in group sex, make sure you don’t bombard them, or pressure them into with flatteries or promises. Be open, honest, clear, and show the physical signs of active listening with eye contact and acknowledgements. They might not want to say “no” and cancel the possibility forever, they may be very warm to the idea in theory, but when you and your primary partner outnumber them or approach them with preconceived ideas and expectations, it can send them running!

Online communication – necessarily verbal – is a great way to initiate the idea, but physical touch without clear intentions or questions can put that individual in a tough spot. Being open to their needs before, during and after will ensure everyone has a great time.

Aftercare

It’s a wonderful time to be alive, liberated as never before and informed with a wealth of information of the kinds of kinks out there. While most male-gaze oriented mainstream pornography can poison the well, the feminine fantasy explored in the infamous, best-selling Fifty Shades series has done as much damage to the work that kink communities do to destigmatize and reform their community guidelines.

A new emphasis in kink practice is being put on aftercare, which is the time immediately following the end of a kinky encounter when the partners involved share their physical and emotional needs. Active listening, compassionate understanding and attention to notes and comments on your performance do not make your relationship necessarily more serious or committed. It does show that you are a partner that can be trusting, that is as interested in discovering your own new sources of pleasures as your partners, and there is nothing sexier than that!