That hazy happy headspace we go into in moments of physical intimacy allows us to slip out of hyper self-consciousness blissfully, mercifully, and almost shut off our brains. Closeness to a partner lets our bodies do the talking, which can be beautiful but a lot of guesswork when feeling out boundaries and preferences with someone new or someone we are all too familiar with.

• All about them – a trend in mainstream porn these days is when the actors describe their own body parts, encouraging their partners to continue doing exactly what they are already doing to their descriptions of their nether regions that the camera can usually see better than they can. It’s all reductive at best, and redundant at worst. Your dirty talk could focus less on describing your own body and sensations, and focus on how your partners body brings those sensations about. Call attention to their strength, their smell, their size, their weight, and as always keep it simple. “Your arms make me feel so light” or “the smell of your skin drives me crazy”. You’ll pull your partner out of their head and into their body, and pull yourself into experiencing more of their body.

• Fantasy – Nothing heats up foreplay like telling your partner how excited you are to get to the main event, even while working your way there at a leisurely pace. Before or during the main event of sex, try whispering in your partner’s ear other things you would do with them. This can be kept tame, creating the visceral sensation of imagining other sex acts like anal or oral even while enjoying the physical sensations of the present act. But you could kick it up into the realm of imagination with an ideal fantasy to bring some mental magic to the missionary position. Whisper to them how you might like to do this up in the branches of a tree somewhere tropical, or throw yourself at the feat of their throne, or rescue them from pirates. To each their own! Whispering close will let their imagination take over what the eye cannot see.

• Verb my noun – alternatively, “I love when you [verb] my [noun]. A simple formula that allows you to subtly become conductor of the orchestra. Positive reinforcement is a huge force for more of what you love in your love making. Hearing our partners vocalize pleasure can be a rush of erotic power, and make us eager to do more of what brings out that reaction. Keep directions simple and body parts precise.